


Maledictive Resonance

by thatsbuckedup



Series: Wilted Sunflower [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Poor Miya Atsumu, Protective Miya Osamu, Timeskip, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29423502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsbuckedup/pseuds/thatsbuckedup
Summary: 'And just like that, Atsumu’s world started crumbling into pieces, scattered with irreversible damage.'Atsumu finally gets around to confessing his feelings towards Hinata, but they're not exactly on the terms he'd hoped and gets an unexpected visit from someone, someone who he cannot stand to be around.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Series: Wilted Sunflower [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087616
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Maledictive Resonance

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to mention this now; this fic is practically a pain fest from here on out. If you don't like reading angst, don't read however I can assure in the long run, this won't end on an entirely horrible note. There will be resolve, there is a somewhat of a happy ending but I thought I would mention this now because I know how people feel about angst. 
> 
> For this particular part of the series, I'm going to put some spoiler warnings/tags down below just for peoples safety:
> 
> \- Mentions of domestic abuse (doesn't go into great detail about it)  
> \- Angst  
> \- Unrequited love

A few months flash in the blink of an eye as autumn has paved its path for winter. It’s a cause for more layers, warmer drinks, thick socks, and blankets. But it's also a standpoint for the professional volleyball season which is _only_ starting to wind up. 

So far, the MSBY Jackals have had at least one to two games a week for _three_ weeks straight. They’ve been going hard since the start with practices, scrimmages, looking after their bodies, and maintaining an overall balance to their busy lives. 

Because of that, the hard work was displayed in the results. 

As December rolled around, they were finally in to catch a decent break to recharge. It’s not uncommon for players to be burned out especially around this time of the year. Even though the festivities of Christmas aren’t as massively observed as it is overseas, people just want to go home to their families for the holidays. 

That reminds a very conflicted Atsumu; _he’ll have to go home._

Discussions between Hinata, Atsumu and Sakusa had already taken place about what they were going to do, when they were coming back, as well as other plans and what not. 

In the days leading up to their final week before the break, both of the team's trainers sent out holiday practice schedules for individual training while they’re away. It’s much more lenient and light than full time training since the whole purpose of being away is to rest and be with family. 

And Atsumu _definitely_ needs a break. 

After being pent up with frustration all thanks to his feelings for Hinata, he’s emotionally drained and physically exhausted just like everyone else. Confessing to Hinata had to be put on a temporary hold since the timing and circumstances of everything was off par. 

But it’s not like his feelings are going anywhere any time soon. If anything, it’s given Atsumu time to think. As a result of these emotions, he's resorted to training by himself on their off days to _semi-deal_ with them.

He doesn’t go all out like he would during team practices, but it’s close to that. On Wednesday afternoons, Atsumu is usually found at the gym, serving until his arm is cramping up then stretches out thoroughly to minimise his chances of getting injured. 

It’s still irrational of him to be putting his body through something anymore than it needs to, especially when he’s supposed to be resting. Each time he starts to go overboard, Atsumu makes a mental note to not go as hard during his next personal session. Then again, the first person to tell him that if he keeps overworking and will get hurt, is Sakusa. When that doesn’t work, Hinata will step in, tell him the exact same thing, and _sometimes_ , he listens. 

It pisses him off that Atsumu won’t listen to _him_ but Hinata instead. In some aspects, Sakusa expected it though. 

_“Huh? What the hell is this?”_

The sound of his captain's voice resonates through the gym, throwing off Atsumu’s serve, hitting his side of the net. 

“Did Miya Atsumu beat _me_ to the gym?” Meian approaches him. He takes a good look at the scattered volleyballs around the court, and the number of ones he still has yet to use in the basket. 

“Thas’ right, get on my level,” Atsumu picks another one up. 

Meian scoffs at him, “if getting on _your_ level means unnecessarily training until my body is going to give way, then I think I’ll just stay on _my_ level thanks. Anyways, go home.” 

“What? No, I jus’ started.”

Meian rolls his eyes, “it's kinda insulting that you're not even trying to hide the fact that you're lying to me, which you're terrible at by the way. Now get going, or I’ll tell Coach and have him sit you out for the next game.” 

Like hell if Atsumu isn’t gonna be playing the Adlers on Friday. 

There's no diminishing that _burning_ desire to wipe the smug grin off of Kageyama’s face after that lightning quick power tip that got the Jackals in their last encounter. Atsumu wants to return the favour when they face them. 

Taking Meian’s threat seriously, Atsumu finds his feet to start collecting all the volleyballs and placing them back in the basket. 

“You’re back early Atsumu-san,” Hinata’s eyes were already locked on the door when heard keys rattling outside.

“Yeah, our angel of a captain banned me from practicing until we have actual trainin’ with the team.” He unspools his scarf from around his neck and hangs it up on the rack. Sakusa exerts a smug chuckle from where he’s seated. 

Atsumu’s eyes narrow, “whadda _you_ laughin’ fer Omi-kun?” 

“How many times have we told you to stop overtraining?” Sakusa responds like how a parent would.

“Oh alright then, ya told me so,” Atsumu rolls his eyes and slumps onto the couch with his bag at his feet. 

He catches a glimpse of the table, of what Sakusa and Hinata are up to. The surface is scattered with papers and Sakusa’s laptop too. 

Both of them were helping to plan for the up and coming Christmas fan event as a thank you to their supporters for continuing to stick with them since the beginning of the season. Everyone is welcome, but a lot of school teams like to book in advance.

“So, who’s doing what this year?”

Sakusa groans, not specifically _at_ Atsumu but at the fact that- _“you and I are on serves this year with some of the children.”_

That’s right, Sakusa doesn’t have a particular liking towards kids. He can tolerate them but only for so long. Atsumu on the other hand adores them which makes it the perfect time to berate Sakusa for it. 

“I’m on spikes with Bokuto-san,” Hinata answers. “We’ve also come up with some new things this year for some of the high school students who’ll be attending. They’ll probably be gearing up for Spring Nationals and since we’ve all had experience, we’ll be able to help them.” 

Atsumu, Sakusa and Hinata had spent a good amount of time discussing plans for the fan event and sent off their ideas to the teams group chat. Then the three of them then had lunch and spent some time together talking about, _yes,_ volleyball. 

But when the late afternoon rolled around, Atsumu got ready to head back to the gym, not to train, but for something else. 

“Where are you off to Atsumu-san?” Hinata tips his head back on the couch to look at Atsumu upside down.

“Physio appointment, why wanna come?” He offers. 

“Sure why not, it's not your knee again is it?” Hinata recalls Atsumu complaining about something wrong with it a while back.

“Yeah nothin’ major, jus’ feel like I’ve twinged it an’ wanna get it looked at,” Atsumu answers then does a double take on Sakusa, _“I can see ya Omi-kun.”_

Sakusa had his eyes peeking from behind his phone and Atsumu already knew what was going to come out of his mouth. It was bound to be something along the lines of _‘you’re not taking care of yourself properly, how can you call yourself a professional athlete if you can’t do exactly that?’_

“Maybe if you stop doing all those low sets you wouldn’t need to go physiotherapy,” Sakusa remarks in a bored tone. 

Atsumu smirks, _close enough,_ “without my sets ya wouldn’t be able to spike an’ if ya _can’t_ spike then we _can’t_ score any points an’ without points we’d lose all our games an’ yet here we are, top in the league at the moment.” 

Sakusa goes back to the company of his phone, “ _whatever_ ,” he mutters, hating to admit the fact that Miya Atsumu was partially right for once. 

Hinata trails along with Atsumu to the gym where they head upstairs to the flashy area that the team can hang out in, eat together, and relax before or after practices or where they are debriefed before or after a home game. On the same level is where their three physiotherapists are located, each in individual offices.

“Ito-sama! Fix me please!” Atsumu begs at his door, Hinata right behind him.

Ito Kaiyo, their on court specialist, peers from behind his computer and points over to the examining table. Atsumu stuffs his keys into his pocket and lays facing upwards. 

“Here to see me too, Hinata-kun?” Ito asks him before making his way over to Atsumu, stretching a pair of gloves over his hands. 

Hinata shakes his head and takes a seat near the door, “ah uh, just babysitting Atsumu-san here for the day.” 

“That’s right,” Atsumu tilts his head back, smiling at Hinata upside down. 

Atsumu’s physio session goes well as he had hoped. He hasn’t done any damage to his knee at all or to the point where he has to sit out at the next training although Ito advised him to just take it lightly until their game. It took him _and_ Hinata to remind him that because knowing Atsumu, he’d either forget or just go all out because the word _‘easy’_ isn’t exactly part of his vocabulary. 

“You’ll see me here before the game on Friday so we can see how things are going. In the meantime, follow that recovery plan we talked about. I know you guys ice sometimes but spend about twenty minutes _strictly_ icing your knee before bed,” Ito explains, sliding the typed up recovery plan that they discussed to Atsumu.

Atsumu thanked Ito and left the gym with Hinata at his side. He suggested that they go for coffee while they were still out and headed to a local cafe to sit down. They haven’t talked much since they left the apartment and it’s starting to make something in Atsumu’s stomach feel funny. 

“Yer quiet today, what’s goin’ on with ya?” Atsumu gives him a light tap with his foot on Hinata’s under the table. 

Hinata snaps from a daze, “nothing! Just spaced out a little bit.”

“Somethin’ on yer mind?” Atsumu asks even though he knows that there is. 

“Mmm...I’ve just been thinking recently about what’s going to happen when the season finishes,” Hinata replies honestly, index finger trailing around the rim of the plate where his coffee sits.

His tone doesn’t really sit well with Atsumu, but he wants to hear more, “go on.” 

“I still wanna play for the Jackals - there's no doubt about that, but, what if I don’t make the cut? Then what do I do? I don’t _ever_ want to give up volleyball,” he says desperately.

There it was. 

Atsumu detects it every now and then but doesn’t mind giving Hinata reassurance. Ever since he came back from Brazil, Hinata has displayed nothing but confidence in himself and reliability when it came to playing. However, Atsumu notices that sometimes his confidence shakes. Hinata knows he is good enough to be on one of the best teams but is unsure of _how_ good enough he is to _stay_ on them. That’s at least what Atsumu has gathered so far. 

“Yer not gonna give up volleyball, I know that fer a fact. An’ first of all Shoyo-kun, _you are_ good enough to be on this team otherwise ya wouldn’t be where you are right now,” Atsumu starts. “Secondly, you’ve gotten crazy good - _insanely good_ an’ I don’t _ever_ wanna hear ya imply that yer not.”

“But _what if?_ What if _after_ the season finishes?” Hinata asks. “I still wanna be good enough to play.”

There is one thing Atsumu knew for sure - Hinata _is_ good enough to stand on court at a professional level, even national level if and when he gets the chance. If Hinata doesn’t think that he is, Atsumu doesn’t know what else to tell him. But now he had to wonder, did Hinata’s self-confidence plummet in the past few months? 

“I dunno what will happen when the season finishes,” Atsumu replies honestly. “But I’ll say this; Foster would be stupid to not keep ya on the team. An’ if he _didn’t_ , every team in the V1 will be throwin’ contracts at yer feet, _beggin’_ ya to play fer them - _that’s_ how good you are.” 

His words certainly didn't contain a hint of a lie. They’re not swayed by bias based on the fact that Atsumu is in love with him. It’s because Hinata is generally an amazing player and deserves every bit of success there is. So his words resonated with Hinata as he brought the coffee cup away from his lips and set it down on the table. 

Still, he definitely is quiet. 

It’s no use to Atsumu, asking him why he’s saying the things that he is. All he has to do is just to think back to when Hinata told him in high school; that he can’t lose to anyone in fear that his spot will be compromised. Then there’s the profound fear of being left behind which scares Hinata deeply. 

That vivid memory of when Kageyama was selected for the intensive youth training camp in their first year is still fresh. In some aspect he was happy but exceedingly jealous because he wasn’t at his level yet. It was like a slap in the face and being told that he was nowhere near good enough to be where Kageyama stood. 

Hinata takes a deep breath in, _they’re just thoughts._

“Thanks Atsumu-san.”

“Yer doin’ fuckin amazin’ this season,” Atsumu finishes off the rest of his drink. “We’ve pretty much booked our ticket to the finals.” 

“Don’t go and get cocky now,” Hinata points a finger at him. “We need to make it to semi’s first. Anyway, we should get going or you’ll miss movie night.” 

_“Me?_ Aren’t ya gonna watch with us again?” 

"Not tonight unfortunately. A friend of mine from Miyagi is visiting so you’ll have to watch the nature documentary with Omi-san,” Hinata grins and stands up. 

_A friend? Coming up from Miyagi when it’s almost the end of the day?_ Weird. Atsumu finds that weird. It's probably who Hinata has been texting non-stop for these past few weeks and heading off every now and then whenever he gets the chance. 

Atsumu brushes it to the side, for now, “if I would’ve known that Omi-kun liked watchin’ nature documentaries, I wouldn’t have suggested them to him in the first place.”

“Hey! I think they’re cool!” Hinata dissents in defence. 

“Thas’ comin’ from _you_ though.” 

“Shut your mouth, they're really informative and educational” he voices. “I’m going to get Omi-san a coffee to go _because I’m a nice person.”_

“Oh _please_ ,” Atsumu rolls his eyes. “An’ also, _‘shut ya mouth?’_ Who’d ya learn that from I wonder?”

Hinata bumped Atsumu with his hip, _“I wonder.”_

The Jackals ended the first half of the season on high, beating the Adlers in a nail biting five set match. It was toe to toe all the way to the end but the Jackals managed to pull through with an amazing power set from Atsumu to Bokuto. Now the only standing in their way before the break is the Christmas fan event.

The entire team gathers the day before to set up what they need; chairs, tables, black and gold decor, special fan packages for the attendees, pre-signed merchandise, and a photobooth that’s _already been put to use._

Instead of signing volleyballs for the fans, Bokuto and Hinata had taken advantage of it, snapping about half a dozen worth of photos before Meian inevitably yelled at them both. Not even ten minutes later when their captain wasn’t watching, Hinata snuck over to Atsumu, pulled him by the sleeve, dragged him across the court and back to the booth to take photos with him. 

The pair managed to sneak about four of them, just posing like idiots and a couple more which made Atsumu’s heart beat out of his chest. As the five second timer ticked down, Hinata quickly encased Atsumu with his arms around his waist, leaning his head against his arm. _He’s incredibly close...Atsumu wants to lean down to kiss him._

_Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic-_

Suddenly, there's a hand on the collar of Atsumu’s training shirt and he’s being yanked out by Meian. Atsumu doesn't even get the chance to speak when he’s scolded and lectured about _‘how the photobooth is for the kids and not a vain pretty boy who can’t go three minutes without looking at himself in the mirror’._

Hinata on the other hand snuck out while he had the chance and went right back to signing the volleyballs, trying to suppress his laughter. Atsumu walks back sheepishly to the rest of his team snickering away, not really bothering to hide their amusement at all. 

“Yeah, yeah keep laughin’,” Atsumu calls them out. 

As the event finally arrives the following day, it’s busy right from the get go. Kids, teams and other fans were already lined up at the door to the Jackals gym facility only to come bombarding in to meet the players and get stuck into the workshops. 

Atsumu and Sakusa were greeted by the first lot of kids from an elementary school located on the outskirts of the city. Sakusa found that it was a lot easier trying to teach children under the age of five to serve rather than the cocky high schoolers who thought they were top shit. It actually reminded him of Atsumu in some sense who undoubtedly encouraged their behaviour. That is if he wasn’t being swarmed by the female fans like bees. 

Every other question was _‘can I have your number?’_ or _‘Atsumu-san, can you teach me how to serve in private?’_

Eventually, Atsumu had to let them down gently and decline, getting back to working with the kids. If he were in high school, he would’ve easily told them to get lost but now that he’s a public figure and a little bit more mature than what he used to be, he had to bite his tongue. 

“Look at him will you!” Inunaki points over at the disbanding crowd of women that was surrounding Atsumu. “I bet you half of them only came _just_ to see him.”

Meian chuckles, “you’ve known him for a few years now and how long has it taken you to realise that this is the reality of having Miya Atsumu on your team?”

Captain has a point. 

With the day in full swing, there isn’t a single Jackal _not_ doing nothing, even towards the end, they’re still going. Sakusa and Atsumu get to have a short rest which is actually retrieving more equipment before the next rotation of kids to practice serves, Hinata and Bokuto had finished teaching some high school kids the ropes of spiking techniques, while Thomas, Barnes, Meian, and Inunaki set up the court for a practice match with a few of the fans. 

“Shit,” Meian mutters to himself as he’s peering around the gym. 

“Something wrong Mei-san?” Hinata asks. 

“Hinata-kun, can you get us another basket please, they're all taken up!”

“On it!” Hinata springs up, already making his way to the outside of the gym. 

Inside the storage room, Atsumu’s final nerve is almost spent. The last person who put the bibs away clearly didn’t do a proper job at _folding_ and placing them away. Instead, they’re one tangled heap of material and string that’s used to tie the bibs. However, after their last scrimmage, Atsumu was actually the last person tasked with making sure the bibs were stored nicely. _Shit._

As he's trying not to rip them all up, outside of the storage room, Atsumu hears laughter followed by a murmur of hushed voices. Out of sheer curiosity, he peeks his head from behind the door to see who it was. Expecting that it was some of the fans lingering around, Atsumu had to do a double take to actually take in the fact that it was Hinata and someone else. 

_A guy. An athlete by the looks of it._ Atsumu can see a volleyball logo on his shirt that reads _‘Club Athletico San Juan’._ Huh? So he’s a volleyball player from a different country? That can’t be right because Atsumu cannot seem to figure out why the guy is speaking in perfect Japanese. 

His eyes narrow to get a better glimpse. The current no-name is really pretty, Atsumu will give him that, but he has never seen or heard of him before - a complete stranger to him yet it obviously doesn’t look that way with Hinata. They seemed...close. Talking away, smiling and giggling like they’re trying not to get caught doing something they shouldn’t.

Atsumu continues to watch the situation with interest, and in the end, he wished he had looked away. 

His gaze unfocused for a split second to tend to the bibs before they flick back over to Hinata, lip-locked in a deep kiss with this stranger. One hand on Hinata's waist and the other slowly trailing around his back, _lower back,_ then further down before he lets out a yelp. It’s like this guy is trying to savour every last bit of Hinata, tongue, hands and all. 

_And just like that, Atsumu’s world started crumbling into pieces, scattered with irreversible damage._

Through the walls, he could hear all the noise from the ongoing event; kids screaming, fans yelling, whistles blowing, the squeak of shoes on the court...Atsumu can't hear any of it now. It was so quiet that the only things he _could_ hear was a pin drop. That wasn’t to be mistaken by the sound of his heart breaking.

His heartstrings were slowly and painfully severed, one by one. Like he could hear and _feel_ the tension of the tendons, similar to frayed rope seconds away from snapping under strain.

Did he really just have his heart broken right there and then? Is any of this actually happening or is Atsumu imagining the worst possible scenario he can come up with? He feels sick, unsure if it’s with jealousy or self-hatred, or... 

...or the fact that he’s never seen Hinata look so _genuinely_ happy just then. 

Anger and some sort of territorial magnet lulls Atsumu out of his pain for a second while his brain begins to put the blame on himself. How could he even think that he stood a chance, and if he did, it would’ve already been too late anyway. 

It’s like Atsumu just got played at his own game. 

Surely this can’t be the reason why Hinata is running off a couple of times a week? Or why he’s laughing every time he’s on his phone? Is _this_ the reason why he looks so happy? 

Part of Atsumu wants to go over there, grab the guy by the throat and- 

_“Tsum Tsum?”_

Atsumu’s stubborn gaze peels from the empty space where Hinata was standing not too long ago. He’s gone from the space over to help Sakusa and Inunaki out with folding the tables away. Before he realises, Bokuto was standing at the door with his head tilted after setting down a stack of chairs with Meian standing next to him. 

“Those kids run you to the ground Atsumu-kun?” Meian jokes as he takes some of the bibs from Atsumu’s grasp. 

He’s frozen,“huh?” 

“I said did those kids run you to the ground? Geez, are you okay?” Meian takes in the ghost-like expression on his teammates face.

Atsumu doesn’t feel like going to make it through the rest of the event without being able to think about what he saw. Everything that Atsumu ever wanted was right in front of him, until it was ripped from his reach. If he left in a few minutes, he reckons nobody would realise. Yet, Meian would probably be the first to know that Atsumu has disappeared. 

He snaps his fingers in Atsumu’s face, “Miya.”

“I wanna go home,” he mutters. _Goddamn his heart hurts right now._

Atsumu doesn’t know why _those_ words came out but it was most definitely influenced by what he was feeling, _what he just saw._

His captain looks at him worriedly, “you okay? Do you feel sick?”

 _He might be if he doesn’t get out,_ “no... _yes.”_

Bokuto realigns the chairs properly in the corner so they don't get in the way. Then, he turns to Atsumu. 

“Tsum Tsum don’t look too good, maybe he should go home Mei-san?” 

“See, that’s what happens when you overwork yourself. You’re lucky we go on break tomorrow. Try to ride out the last twenty minutes for the wrap up and we get to go okay?” 

Meian gives him a pat on the shoulder on his way out, rattling the bones in Atsumu’s chest that used to help house a whole heart. Little did Meian know that it wasn’t overtraining which has Atsumu feeling like he’s going to throw up. 

When they move out of the storage room, Atsumu has gone numb. Limbs stiff and heavy as they make their way back into the gym. The crowd has thinned out significantly. Mostly just the high school teams who really utilised the workshops had left, but everyone else seemed to stay to the end of the event. 

Atsumu’s eyes darted up to the giant gym clock on the wall, _only eighteen minutes left._

This is stupid, this is _so incredibly stupid._ Atsumu _doesn’t_ know if he’s overreacting and if he is, whether any of it is justified at all. He’s told himself repeatedly for months that he wasn’t good enough for Hinata. _That_ concept should be drummed into his brain now, etched there so it can’t ever be erased. Now Atsumu’s worst thoughts have been confirmed and personified in what unfolded, wishing that he had never witnessed it.

 _If Hinata felt the same way about Atsumu, he would’ve told him,_ he knows that much. Instead, it seems like Hinata has been taken by someone else. 

He shouldn’t have thought about that because now he wants to cry. 

What he and Hinata had weren’t acts of love, or compassion, or infatuation, now he has no clue what they were but one thing he knows for sure is that this _hurts. It hurts bad._

Twenty minutes feels like two hours and Atsumu is doing everything in his power to keep a distance from Hinata. It's hard to drown out his infectious laugh that rings throughout the gym and focus on something. So Atsumu tries to put on the last prevailing layer of a facade and mingles with the remaining kids who are still asking him for photos and to sign their shirts. 

It seems to make time pass faster because soon enough, the Jackals _thankfully_ wrap up their event in due time. With a few final messages of thanks to the fans, the team packs everything up swiftly. 

Coach Foster congratulates them on their success so far yet reminding that the hard work has only just begun. From there, he dismisses them where they’ll be back in the gym no later than two weeks. Before they disband, Meian shouts the team to coffee at one of their favourite local cafes. But Atsumu was already out of the gym the second they were allowed to leave, on his way home. 

He was one block away from reaching the apartment building when he received a text from his captain. 

**_From Meian:_ ** _I take it you’ve already left but I hope you get better Atsumu-kun. Take a hot shower, dress warmly, and eat a good meal. Hopefully I'll be round with some things for you but good work so far this season!_

Nope, no way. Atsumu had other plans now. 

The remainder of the Jackals sat in the cafe, happily enjoying their coffee and food while Bokuto is the first to notice that they’re down one man. 

He looks around the cafe just in case he missed him, “where the hell is Tsum Tsum? He _never_ turns down treats from Mei-san?” 

Thomas also notices one of them is missing, “don’t know? He was there when we discussed where we were going?”

“Atsumu-kun’s sick so I told him to go home after the event,” Meian overhears them talking. “He didn’t look too good when I bumped into him.” 

“That’s true actually,” Bokuto adds in. 

Inunaki sighs, “ah poor thing. Lucky we go away tomorrow. Anyways, what are everyone's plans for the break?”

What are Atsumu’s plans for the break? Staying as far away from the apartment as possible. That is until he had something to eat and wait for his clothes to dry in the dryer. He curses himself for forgetting to press the _start_ _button_ before he left for the event this morning. When they’re done, Atsumu will be almost ready to leave before anyone can return to see him.

To think that going back home to Hyogo provided for as an escape would’ve been unimaginable before today. It’s like departing hell only to go to arrive at _another_ hell. Neither of the two locations are appealing, but one of them is starting to look like the lesser evil. 

As he’s furiously staring at the dryer, mentally telling it to hurry up, Atsumu finds something important that he needs to do and grabs his phone. He pulls up his brother's contact then starts typing away. 

**_To Samu:_ ** _heading home in 30. See you tomorrow when you get here._

 **_From Samu:_ ** _What the hell? Why are you leaving tonight? I thought we were driving down together?_

 **_To Samu:_ ** _change of plans_

It was natural for Atsumu to want to get out of the apartment already, mainly just to divert away from Hinata to process and think. Trying to do exactly that in the same vicinity as him isn’t going to work. 

The more he looks at him, the more pain he feels. The more he’s reminded that he was too much of an idiot to string this all out - the more he’s reminded of Hinata with someone else. 

Atsumu knows it’s his own fault for liking him and then falling for him like he’s never going to get back up. Now after what he saw, Atsumu almost feels like he’s crossing onto sacred ground. These feelings he has for Hinata have become forbidden and reserved for someone else who clearly won him over. 

“Fuck,” Atsumu curses under his breath. 

The dryer had been beeping away for a while when the load was finished. Atsumu had been too lost in his own brain noise to hear it go off. He yanks the lid open and pulls all his clothes out, carrying them into his room. 

Usually packing takes him ages, always putting it off until the actual second he has to leave. Osamu gets _so_ fed up with him for not being organised enough when the real reason is that Atsumu doesn’t want to go back to Hyogo. 

This time around, Atsumu packs like his life depends on it. He’s been scrambling around his room picking jersey's, boxers, t-shirts, socks and everything until it's all stuffed into his bag. If Sakusa opened the bag up and saw how muddled everything was, he’d force Atsumu to unpack it and start again _for sure._

Making sure he had his wallet, earphones and phone, Atsumu slings his bag over his shoulder, exiting his bedroom before he hears a set of keys at the door. His stomach drops. 

Atsumu panics. If it’s Hinata, he’s going to ask why he's leaving so early and he doesn’t have a cover story to run along with. But he doesn’t hear any chatter or more than one pair of footsteps which _hopefully_ means-

 _“Don’t_ come near me.” 

A sigh of relief. 

Atsumu throws his hands up in defence, “wasn’t plannin’ on it.” 

Sakusa rummages through the plastic bag he carried in and chucks him a box. Atsumu looks down. _Masks._

“If you’re sick, wear a mask. These are also from Meian-san. He asked me to give these to you,” he instructs while heading into the kitchen and placing the bag of treats and medicine on the bench. 

Atsumu almost forgot that he told Meian he wasn’t feeling well. The team must’ve caught on when they all went out. He takes the bag with him on his way to the door and unhooks his keys. 

“Thanks Omi-kun, but m’leavin’ now anyway so I probably won’t need the whole thing. I’ll take some with me anyway,” Atsumu shakes the box.

"You said you were leaving tomorrow morning?” Sakusa recalls him saying that he was anyway. His eyes fall to the already packed duffle bag slung over Atsumu’s shoulder. Guess that answers that. 

Atsumu takes a few of the masks, before placing them in the plastic bag and setting the box on the counter.

“I was but m’goin’ early,” he answers vaguely. “Tell Hinata fer me will ya? He’s not pickin’ up his phone. Anyway, have a good holiday Omi-kun, see ya when we get back.” 

“You too," Sakusa eyes him as he leaves, door locking behind him on his way out. 

How strange. Sakusa can’t help but think about the fact that Atsumu just referred to ' _Shoyo'_ by his last name instead of his first. That’s never happened before, not in Sakusa’s presence nor ever for that matter. 

No later than an hour minutes, Hinata is back in the apartment who left to do his own thing after the team went for coffee. He goes to hang his keys up on the hook, spotting that Atsumu’s were missing from the wall. His shoes are gone too. 

Sakusa can see the unspoken question forming in his brain. 

“Miya’s already gone home,” he answers for him from the lounge. 

Hinata does a double take, heading over to Sakusa, “home? Already?”

“He said he tried to get through to you earlier but you didn’t answer.”

Hinata pulls his phone out of his jacket and checks to see if he had any missed calls or texts. _Nothing._

“He never rang me,” Hinata says and scrolls through his call history. “Or texted. Maybe he rang the wrong person?”

 _Or_ maybe Atsumu lied which Hinata seemed to arrive at that conclusion after his sudden disappearance. That now sits on the list of fuck-up’s that are now wedged into Atsumu with guilt. As he sits on the train, having just arrived in Kobe and on the line to the countryside, he watches his phone vibrate on the tray table. Hinata is trying to contact him and has been for the past half an hour. Just like he's done in that time, Atsumu intentionally ignores him until Hinata’s caller ID disappears. 

There’s a few seconds where Atsumu thinks if he’s overreacting. That maybe he’s just being dramatic and that Hinata doesn’t deserve the cold shoulder Atsumu is giving him. _He definitely doesn’t._ But those images of Hinata kissing someone else flash at the forefront of his mind. It’s that which makes him realise why he’s leaving as fast as he could; _because Atsumu can’t stand to be near him anymore._

—

The morning after Atsumu’s arrival back home to Hyogo, he doesn’t hesitate to get straight into his holiday training. Despite having the most restless sleep last night, he didn’t see that as an excuse to get up at the crack of dawn. He knows how hard it is to get into routine but also how easy it is to fall out of one. Consistency is key for him. So he gets up, grabs his phone from the bedside table and to his horror, he somewhat expectantly finds a shit load of missed messages from Hinata. 

Atsumu ignores every single one of them like they're not even there and goes to get ready for his run.

The weather isn’t as bad as Atsumu has seen it before. Ground blanketed in snow makes for a tough and slightly unsafe run. That doesn’t stop Atsumu though as he jogs along the countryside of his hometown. 

Not even halfway into his run, Atsumu's feet feel heavy, like he's dragging weights behind him which are tied to his ankles. It’s ironic really, the more he’s putting one foot in front of the other for the next fifteen minutes, feels like he’s also running away from his problems, or trying to. _At least from one particular problem, and it doesn’t work as much as he’d hoped it to._

Coming to a sudden standstill, Atsumu is hit with a strange sensation in his chest, almost an anxious feeling. In this moment of vulnerability, his mind seizes the chance to attack itself. Bringing up the events that unfolded yesterday until Atsumu’s fists are clenching at his sides. 

It occurs to him then that no matter how far he tries to run, he can’t escape from heartbreak. With that thought, Atsumu feels worse, then makes the split decision to listen to himself and head back the way he came.

When he arrives back home, unsatisfied from an incomplete workout - among other things - Atsumu sits on the ledge of the genkan for a good ten minutes, sifting through Hinata’s messages.

Atsumu comes across one that reads…

 **_From Shoyo:_ ** _if you don’t call me now, I’m filing a missing persons report._

He sort of can’t help but find that a little funny but his scrolling is disrupted by the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. 

_Osamu._

Atsumu doesn’t remember his brother texting him what time he’ll be home. He assumes the messages must’ve been lost in the sea of texts from Hinata. 

He hears Osamu grumbling to himself and sure enough he opens the door, jumping when he sees Atsumu then clutches at his chest, _“the fuck!”_

“Good mornin’ to you too,” Atsumu shoots him a dirty look. 

“What the fuck is wrong with ya! Sittin’ at the door like some dog waitin’ fer yer fuckin’ owner to come back!?” Osamu’s filter seems to have been obliterated. 

“Get in an’ shut the door, yer lettin’ all the warm air out,” Atsumu makes a hurrying motion, ignoring his twin's brash commentary.

Osamu huffs, picking up the handle of his suitcase that he dropped and wrenched it inside with him indignantly then shut the door harder than he should’ve. 

“What the hell were ya even doin’? _And,_ what the fuck is wrong with ya? Why’d ya leave early the city early?”

Atsumu unties the laces on his shoes before taking them off and placing them away, “jus’ came back from my run, an’ I left ‘coz I wanted to come by myself.”

Osamu knows that's bullshit and no doubt he’ll find out the real reason soon enough, but he’s too tired to even ask. Something must have happened which is all he could think about since he received Atsumu’s messages yesterday saying he was leaving early. 

“Holiday schedule is it then?” He questions. 

“Yup. When’s Suna comin’?

Osamu takes his shoes off, “twenty-fourth, also, Kita-san’s comin’ round later tonight.” 

It’s been a while since he last saw his old captain. He hasn’t gotten round to seeing some of the Jackals games which is understandable, Kita’s a pretty busy person nowadays.

“Brought breakfast,” says Osamu, holding up the plastic bag with the Onigiri Miya logo on front. _Just in time,_ Atsumu thinks. 

Once Osamu lugs his suitcase into their old room, the two of them dig into the onigiri at the dining table. There’s that weird vibe Atsumu always seems to feel every time he comes back home with Osamu. He’s been unable to put his finger on it but guesses that it’s just strange he and his brother keep return to the place where neither of them were wanted at one point. 

It gives him some sort of satisfaction that at the end of the day, they were the ones who inevitably drove their parents out of the house. 

Atsumu brings the second rice ball up to his mouth and pauses when his phone starts ringing on the table. He doesn’t even need to check the caller ID to know who’s trying to get through to him. 

Filling the screen is a selfie of Hinata and Atsumu taken at his birthday a couple of months ago. In all honesty, he doesn’t remember taking it _or_ how it came to be Hinata’s contact photo. While his phone rings, Atsumu’s chest tightens. Osamu’s eyes darted back and forth between the device and his brother.

“Aren’t ya gonna pick up?” He wonders why he even has to ask that question.

Watching Atsumu take the phone with him reluctantly like it’s a chore, indicates something bad. For some reason, _Osamu_ feels slightly nervous for his brother when he takes the call to the genkan. Atsumu slips on his shoes quickly, heads out the front door to make his way into the backyard where Osamu can’t eavesdrop. 

“Hello?” answers Atsumu then pops the rest of the onigiri in his mouth. 

_"Atsumu-san!”_ Hinata yells into the phone. 

He yanks the phone away so his eardrums don’t suddenly burst, _“Shoyo-kun.”_

With his now free hand, Atsumu swipes over the fence that surrounds the perimeter of the house to get rid of some of the ice to sit down. It doesn’t do all that much of course. 

_“Why didn’t you tell me that you were leaving so early!? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to you!”_

“S’not like m’gonna be _gone_ forever. You’ll see me in a couple of weeks,” Atsumu replies.

 _In a couple of weeks._ Just hearing himself say that out loud draws his attention to the fact that he’ll _have_ to see him eventually. Not like there’s anything he can do about that aspect, they’re teammates after all. Yup, strictly teammates. 

_But is it nice to hear his voice._

_"Still! Are you feeling any better?”_

Atsumu sighs, “not really.” 

Even though Atsumu was never physically sick, _he thought he was going to be_ after the fan event _._ For the time being, he ran along with the story saying that he was ill. 

_"O_ _h, are you...are you busy at the moment?”_

“Nah, why’s that?” Atsumu’s eyebrows knit together. 

_“You sound like you’re busy. I don’t want to interrupt anything since it’s the holidays you know?"_

He hums, “no, m’not busy at the moment.” 

" _Okay, I just wanted to be sure because-“_

“-Shoyo-kun.”

_"Yeah?”_

Something in Atsumu snaps. 

_"Why the fuck are you calling me?”_

There’s a long and tense pause on the other end of the phone. Hinata knew that Atsumu didn’t just swear _at_ him. It’s a different story when he swears for context or out of frustration or the fact that Atsumu is a very expressive person. But being sworn _at_ is the polar opposite and it comes as a slight surprise to Hinata. Atsumu will swear at other people, _but never him._

_“What...what do you mean? I thought I’d just ring to see how you were. You disappeared straight after the fan event and I never got the chance to talk to you since yesterday morning. Is something wrong?”_

How Hinata is so oblivious is beyond Atsumu’s comprehension. He thought he knew him but clearly not. 

The phone is no longer by Atsumu’s ear, instead it hangs away in his hand. Silence fills the space as Atsumu considers just hanging up on Hinata. Inattentively gazing down at the ground, his eyes start stinging, body going numb. Unsure if it's from the cold or if it’s the draughty absence poisoning the last of what little kindness he has in him right now.

 _None of this is Hinata’s fault,_ Atsumu reminds himself. Taking out his frustration and vexation on him is heartless. 

“I’m sorry,” Atsumu exhales. “M’sorry fer swearin’ at ya, it was fuckin’ stupid of me.”

 _" You sound like you're on edge,”_ Hinata chuckled lightheartedly, seemingly forgetting Atsumu’s words. 

“Well yes and no, I’m jus’ being...dunno, an idiot I guess,” he needs to change the subject. “Anyways how’s it goin’ in Miyagi?”

_“Cold and cold. Trying to run in this weather is impossible. And I’m constantly having to shovel out snow in our backyard to use the net.”_

Atsumu takes a look at his _own_ backyard. It’s buried in a couple of layers of white mushy snow too. The droopy, unused net between the trees is frozen stiff. He wonders when it’ll ever be taken down, _if_ that is. 

“I think this is the longest I’ve been without touchin’ a volleyball,” he continues to stare at the net. 

_“Come on, it’s only been a day. We’re supposed to be taking a break from it. How’ve you been so far? It feels weird just talking to you over the phone.”_

Atsumu pauses for a second, “ya sound worried.”

 _“Of course I’m worried! I just thought...I know how much you don’t like being back...in your house,”_ Hinata really doesn’t want to push his boundaries.

He laughs, “of course. Well in that case, I’d rather eat, chew an’ swallow glass than be here right now. What are ya doin’ fer the rest of the day?”

Atsumu didn’t want to tell Hinata that being home is actually the lesser evil than being back in Osaka. _Like he’s ever gonna get the chance to tell him that though._

_“Natsu wants to practice so I’ll help her out then I’m catching up with some of my old teammates for dinner. What about you?”_

“If she needs to learn how to serve, tell her to contact yers truly, I’ll be glad to teach her the ways of Miya Atsumu’s killer serves. An’ m’just gonna chill out fer the rest of the afternoon, have dinner with my clone an’ Kita-san,” he answers. 

He hears Hinata laugh on the other end, _cute,_ “I’m sure she’ll be stoked to hear that you’re offering. To be honest, I think she’s getting better at serves than I am at this point. Anyways, I should probably go. She’ll be here shortly.”

“Alright then tell her I said _'_ _hi'_ also, _you_ need to be careful too. Can’t have my precious spiker nursin’ an ankle injury before we go back,” Atsumu says sternly. 

“Pfft, if I were fifteen again, I don’t think I would’ve listened but _yes,_ I’ll be careful…”

Their phone conversation ends and Atsumu sighs to himself, feeling strangely empty and pissed at himself for getting mad at Hinata. He spends a little longer than necessary dwelling on his thoughts in the cold. At this rate he’ll turn into a snowman if he stays out too long so decides to head inside back to the warmth. 

He’s followed by the judgy eyes of his brother, no doubt trying to innately scope the weird vibe Atsumu seems to be giving off. _Fuck Osamu and his bloodhound instincts for knowing when he’s upset._

“Somethin’ happen between you an’ Hinata-kun?” He straight out asked him. 

Atsumu sighs and takes a seat back at the table, “no?”

Well it definitely seemed like it from when Osamu was watching from the window. At one point he thought he saw Atsumu get angry - which was true - but that doesn’t defer from the fact that something is off and it _has_ to be the reason why Atsumu came home early. 

“So why didn’t ya wanna come home with me? Am I not cool enough to travel with _Miya Atsumu?_ ” 

He snorts, “finally caught on, have ya? But I had the time to, so I thought why not?”

“You _hate_ comin’ home,” Osamu begs to differ. “Yet, decided to not only go by yerself but a day early.”

“S’not a day early. A couple’a hours give or take-“

Osamu slams his chopsticks down, “stop bein’ so fuckin’ shady. Somethin’ happened between you an’ Hinata, _what is it?”_

Atsumu’s eyes widen at him, _“nothing_ . S’none of yer business anyways. Even if somethin’ did happen, why the fuck would _you_ care?”

 _“Coz’ yer my brother_. If I hafta crush someone’s throat by all means-“

“God stop,” Atsumu groans petulantly. “Like _you’d_ ever be able to do somethin’ like that especially to Hinata.”

Bewilderment consumes Osamu, blinking a few times, “Hinata? _Did you_ _jus’ call Shoyo_ …’ _Hinata’?”_

“Thas’ his name isn’t it?” Eyes rolling at his brother.

There’s only one reason why Atsumu would be acting so hostile and strange now that they're on the topic of Hinata. Before, the conversation would’ve been one sided, that is Atsumu going on and on about Hinata until the cows come home. Talking about what they get up to, what Hinata likes, what he _doesn’t_ like. Poor Osamu would never hear the end of it. Now to hear him be so dismissive about his love interest only means- 

“Ya never told him how ya feel didn’t ya?” Osamu sighs when he realises. 

The long stretch of silence answers his question as Atsumu is busying his mouth by eating what’s in front of him. Fried egg isn’t exactly his favourite dish, but for where the conversation is heading it suddenly appeals to him _now._

“I’ll take that as a yes then?” He assumes.

 _"_ _Look_ , I’ve jus’...I haven’t- I dunno if I like him anymore alright?”

Atsumu was hoping that his attempt at an answer would shut his brother up when in fact it was never going to have that effect in the first place. 

“Oh my god, yer so _fuckin’_ stupid,” Osamu resists the urge to kick the table. “If yer in love with Hinata, yer feelins’ fer him aren’t gonna go away jus’ like that.”

“An’ thas’ fine ‘Samu. I don’t expect them to anyway, fer a while,” ignoring his brother's insult. “S’just better than the alternative.”

Osamu can’t remember the last time his brother has given up something, or that’s probably because he never has. _All those things that Atsumu said about Hinata._..Osamu was more than one hundred percent sure that he meant them. 

“I thought ya wanted a future with him?”

“I did,” Atsumu confirms. “Wasn’t until I realised that I would end up hurtin’ him somehow. I’d hate myself if I did.”

“Hurt him how? Ya said before you’d hurt him, but how? What the fuck do ya mean by that?”

“I told ya, I’d get selfish with him, an’ I lie to him. I highly doubt he’d appreciate that from me even though he fucken tolerates it which I hate. Geez aren’t _you_ supposed t’know me better than anyone else?” Atsumu questions. 

Osamu pauses, _“I know you but I can’t read yer mind every single second of the day._ Is this _you_ tellin’ yerself that yer not good enough fer him again? Ya _actually_ think that yer not?”

Atsumu hums, confirming, but the rest spills out of his mouth, “Shoyo-kun has someone else ‘Samu.”

His eyes narrow, wearing a blank expression on his face, _“what?_ Someone else as in he’s _seein’_ someone right now, like _dating?”_

“At least thas’ what I think,” Atsumu hunches up his shoulders. 

“Atsumu,” Osamu groans. “Hinata is either _with_ someone or he _isn’t_ , which is it?” 

“I dunno! I saw him makin’ out with someone at the fan event - I had no idea who he was but Shoyo-kin jus’ looked...really happy. Anyways, fuck this. I don’t wanna talk about it. Kita-san’s gonna be here soon isn’t he?”

Atsumu springs up from the table, repulsed by the idea of taking this conversation any further with his brother. He heads over to the genkan to put his shoes on again, only to be followed. 

Fuck. Osamu can’t shake the thought that his brother just had his heart broken like that. It wasn’t long ago when he was listening to Atsumu pine over him like a puppy, now he doesn’t want to talk about him nor the situation he’s in. 

He’s never had to deal with heartbreak before and he hopes that he doesn’t have to. Atsumu on the other hand always seems to draw the short straw. Hinata is one of the kindest people out there, if he doesn't want to be with Atsumu then who will? 

“M’goin fer a walk,” Atsumu finishes tying his running shoes and zips up his jacket. 

Osamu objects, “ya jus’ went fer a fuckin’ run! Atsumu-”

“Seriously m’fine. I’ll get over it.”

“I’m not askin’ ya to get over it. Did ya tell him how _you_ feel?” 

“Obviously not!” Atsumu yells. “It doesn’t even matter now.” 

“Like hell it doesn’t matter! If there’s a slight chance that he _isn’t_ with someone, then wouldn’t ya go fer it? Or was all that talk about a future with him just bullshit? If ya love Hinata, ya would’ve told him months ago _and_ you would tell him now!”

Atsumu doesn’t deny that his brother is right but he doesn’t want to deny that he himself was right too. In the back of Atsumu’s mind, he predicted this. If Hinata felt the same way about Atsumu, he would’ve told him - probably even _before_ Atsumu. 

“I’ll call him after then,” voice small and quiet.

He needs to clear his head and Osamu knows that he does too. Atsumu heads out the door and back into the cold where he starts the short trek to his favourite spot. 

Later on, their old captain and friend, Kita Shinsuke came around bearing food. Atsumu tried to perk up as much as he could when he came back from his walk, showered and rested. But despite his efforts, the elephant in the room still lingered.

Osamu didn’t press any matters about Hinata when he returned, deciding that it’s probably best to leave his twin to his thoughts. 

“Isn’t Suna comin’ round, Osamu-kun?” Kita asks while he’s chopping up some spring onion.

“On Friday, he’s still in Aichi with his family at the moment,” Osamu replies. 

Atsumu’s current job is filling the dumplings that Osamu is going to steam. He doesn’t trust Atsumu to do it anymore because the last time he did, they were far too overcooked and the dough split. 

The running conversations between Kita and Osamu about _rice_ is the only thing stopping Atsumu from feeling any more dull. He wonders if there’s a world record for saying the word _‘rice’_ more than ten times in _one_ sentence. Maybe he was exaggerating, but the main point is that _they_ were preoccupied. So Atsumu sees this as an opportunity to duck out to his room. Now is probably the best time to give Hinata a call like he said he was. 

He takes out his phone and starts calling. 

_“Atsumu-san, hi.”_

“Wait, shit,” he blurts out. “Sorry, I completely forgot you were goin’ out fer dinner. I’ll call ya another time.” 

_“No, it’s alright! We’re just waiting on food so I can talk. What’s up?”_

He didn't plan this right. Atsumu had no preconception to an idea of what he was going to say until the words just miraculously came out of his mouth, “Shoyo-kun, are you...are you seein’ someone at the moment?”

_Atsumu mentally cusses at himself for sounding ridiculously unconfident._

At first, he hears a lot of chatter in the background but the noise drowns out. Hinata must’ve gone somewhere private to speak which only makes Atsumu more nervous. 

“Seeing as in _dating_ someone?” He reiterates.

“Yes,” Atsumu affirms on a heavy exhale. 

_"_ _I mean, I wouldn’t say that I’m not dating anybody because it's not really...I'm not um, too-“_

“Shoyo-kun, _please_ be up front with me. I’ve been in love with ya fer months an’ I never got around to telling ya ‘coz I was constantly putting it off an’ I know it’s fuckin’ selfish of me to be telling _you_ how _I_ feel if ya _are_ in a relationship with someone else an’ selfish to even _ask_ you if you are.”

Atsumu doesn’t think he’s ever spoken so fast in his entire life that he’s fearful Hinata didn’t catch any of it. Repeating what he said would be a nightmare all over again. But all those pent up emotions that he feels for Hinata came out all in one go. It’s like the world has been lifted off his shoulders, at least for the time being while he waits for a response. 

_"_ _In love...with me?”_

Embarrassment and guilt are quick to overwhelm Atsumu. His hand comes straight to his face like he’s trying to hide, _“I’m sorry!”_

“N-No, no! Please don’t be sorry! This...this is entirely my fault, _I’m sorry_ that I’ve led you on like this! It’s just.. _.”_

Atsumu concludes that this wasn't the best decision to make. Or maybe it was? He’s getting _some_ clarity but only at the expense of Hinata’s will to give him a straightforward answer. Yet, it’s not as straightforward as he’d hoped. 

“ _I’m not in a relationship with someone and I can’t be, with anyone I mean.”_

Those weighted and heavy words fill Atsumu’s ears. It’s loud and clear to him now and it’s definitely _not_ what he wanted to hear. 

_"_ _Can’t_ be in a relationship?” 

“I have my reasons. But no, I’m not dating anyone. I’ve been meeting up with someone but...they’re not - _I’m_ not with them nor do I like him like that. I’ve just seen him a few times since he came back from overseas, and he showed up unexpectedly at the event yesterday. It’s just all complicated and I’m really, _really_ sor-“

Atsumu seems to understand but he’s heard enough, “Shoyo-kun, it’s fine. I just needed to know if you were.”

At least that explains the stranger he was with. But if Hinata can’t be with Atsumu, he prefers him not to be with anyone else. _How selfish is it that it comes as a relief?_

_“Atsumu-san, I didn’t mean to-“_

“ _Shoyo-kun,_ s’alright I swear. M’not angry at ya or anythin’,” Atsumu can’t grapple with the fact that he’s not alright, but continues to speak. “You have yer reasons an’ I completely understand an’ respect ‘em, whatever they are.”

“But you, _what about you?_ I’ve led you on this whole time!” Hinata sounds ridiculously panicked, guilty even since he thinks this might be all his fault when in reality, it’s nobody’s.

“Ya _didn’t_ lead me on. I never told ya early enough ‘coz I was too fuckin’ scared. Even if I did an’ yer answer was the same, then thas’ okay too. Honestly, Shoyo-kun, please don’t beat yaself up about this. M’sorry fer callin’ and tellin’ ya all this before yer dinner.”

Hinata doesn’t seem to have the words to respond. His thought process has slowed completely that it’s nearly impossible to even think. He feels terrible, almost on the brink of tears. Hinata had the _faintest_ idea that Atsumu liked him, but too oblivious to realise how prominent that factor was. 

“Shoyo-kun?” 

_“Y-Yeah!”_

“What are ya thinkin’?” Atsumu absentmindedly fiddles with the corners of his pillow behind his head, trying his best to keep his voice steady. 

“I-I...I don’t want things to change between us. In other words, I still want to be close to you,” Hinata says. “Except it’s not really my place to say or ask that of you now because…because-“

“-I’m the only one who has feelings?” Atsumu chuckles, feeling absolutely sick to his stomach. 

When Atsumu puts it like that, it seems to make it one sided which in reality, it is. Hinata was always unsure about where he stands with Atsumu; whether he liked him more than just a friend or not. In turn, he never really made up his mind because that wasn’t a choice he had to make, he just never actually liked Atsumu - _and Atsumu figured that out for himself._

_“Yes.”_

“Ya don’t hafta be sorry fer not feelin’ the same way about me, I totally get it,” Atsumu explains nonchalantly. 

_“But, how can you be? How can you be okay with knowing that I don’t feel the same way when we’re so close?”_

_Because he’s used to someone not returning the same feelings,_ “thas’ jus’ how things work Shoyo-kun.”

 _“Oh god, I’m so sorry!”_ He sounds so distraught. 

“I’m gonna get pissed off if ya keep sayin’ sorry.”

Hinata laughs _, “sorr...y.”_

“I’ll let ya get back to yer dinner, but like ya said, I don’t want things to change between us either.”

A string of apologies, _from Hinata that is,_ becomes the last thing Atsumu hears when they both inevitably hang up. Atsumu feels terrible for dumping that news on him especially since he’s out with his friends. And now he feels like an idiot because he misinterpreted the entire situation. 

When he thinks about it now, Atsumu and Hinata are physically close and have been for a long time. Objectively, almost anyone would think that they look like a couple and do things that a couple would. Hell, Sakusa could attest to that. However, if Hinata had been dating someone during those times, Atsumu would’ve considered that he was cheating on whoever it is he was seeing. 

Turns out he was completely wrong. 

“Fuck,” Atsumu yanks the pillow from behind his head and stuffs it against his face. 

None of that discerns that Hinata has been with someone else - someone else who gets to touch Hinata the way in which Atsumu craves, sexually, intimately, romantically. 

His teeth grit together. Part of him now thinks that maybe it was best if he kept it to himself then ride out the feelings until they die, until he no longer feels anything for Hinata. That idea seems impossible. Love can’t go away just like that, but when it’s one sided, unrequited, the idea of being in love makes Atsumu sick with disgust, undoubtedly repulsed.

Now the question remains in Atsumu’s mind - what are Hinata’s reasons for not wanting to date someone? Not just Atsumu but anyone in general? Hinata said to him before that he never _dated_ anyone when he was in Brazil, but had the odd hookup. It makes Atsumu think how long has this particular hookup been going on for?

_“That didn’t sound too good.”_

Osamu rolled around from the wall in the hallway, standing under the door frame with his arms crossed. On instinct, Atsumu tears the pillow from his face and pelts it, hitting the door instead of Osamu. 

_“Fuck off!_ Ever heard of privacy?!” 

“This is _our_ room dumbass, _I_ sleep here too,” he walks in when he’s sure that Atsumu isn’t going to throw anything else at him. 

“Well don’t fuckin’ eavesdrop!” Atsumu sulks, turning onto his side to face the wall, arms hugging his own body. 

“What did Hinata say?” Osamu presses.

Atsumu groans, “do I look like Google to you? Why don’t ya ask _him?”_

“Done. I still have his number so I’ll ask why he broke my brothers heart,” Osamu threatens. 

“Oh for fuck sake, he didn’t _break_ my heart, _idiot_. M’jus glad he isn’t datin’ anyone,” he retorts.

Osamu eyes light up, “thas’ good isn’t it? See ya did have a-“

“An’ he says he can’t date anyone, not even me,” Atsumu interrupts, dousing the flame of hope in his brother who’s now stood confused.

“Can’t date anyone?” He repeats. 

“I dunno why. I didn’t ask him coz it seemed personal,” Atsumu tells him.

“Ah, so if _you_ can’t have him then you’ll feel better if nobody else can,” Osamu realises. 

All of a sudden, Astumu’s stomach drops and his mind starts whirring. What if Hinata was actually going out with that guy and confessed to him, then how would he feel? _Oh god, just dwelling about it makes him writhe in embarrassment._ To think that if Hinata had someone else and Atsumu just spilled all his feelings...

“At least ya told him.”

Atsumu scoffs, “an’ what exactly was the point of it? I don’t feel worse an’ I don’t feel any better.”

“Maybe,” Osamu ponders, leaning against the wall. “But ya probably feel like the entire universe has been lifted off ya shoulders. Even if Hinata doesn’t like ya back, ya can’t tell me that it feels good to tell him.”

Atsumu’s arms hug around himself a little tighter, “whatever.”

He takes that as a yes then picks up the pillow Atsumu threw and chucks it at his back, “don’t go to bed hungry. C’mon, dinners nearly ready.” 

“No.”

Osamu pops his head into the hallway and yells, _“Kita-san!”_

Atsumu shoots out of bed, “alright, alright! I’m goin’, fuckin’ hell.” 

Osamu makes way for his brother who glares at him on the way out of the room. That’s one way to get Atsumu to do something. 

The following days go by slow. Undoubtedly and expectantly, Atsumu has been hurting, trying his best to stick it out until he gets to go back to Osaka. However, the time to leave might have come quicker than he thought. 

So far, he’s been strict with his training schedule. Working out has become a source of distraction not to mention watching cooking shows on Netflix. 

He doesn’t exactly know _why_ cooking shows - Osamu loves them obviously - but they’ve mainly become a comfort task for Atsumu. There aren’t any traces of things that would remind him of his heartbreak, nothing to stir his emotions. It’s just plain, straightforward cooking.

On Atsumu’s way back from his walk, he’s already planning his day ahead; shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, _sit on the couch and watch cooking shows for the entire day,_ and try not to think about Hinata, which is next to impossible.

As his house comes into sight through the distance, Atsumu notices a car parked just a little further down the street. It’s sort of strange for it to not be in a driveway at the very least with their area being so remote and rural that is. Spotting cars, other than their neighbours is sometimes rare, unless they’ve brought a new vehicle or it’s friends and family, which is probably the case given it’s the holidays. 

“M’back,” Atsumu sighs when he returns home. 

He shuts the door and sits in the genkan to take off his shoes when he notices a pair of black slip ons that seem eerily familiar. His eyes then trail up to see a thick brown trench coat hanging on the rack. Osamu doesn’t own it and neither does Atsumu, not to his knowledge. If anything, it’s too small for them and it’s definitely not Suna’s because he’s not even there yet. But...

_...the car, the shoes, the coat, surely it’s not-_

Things are still adding up for Atsumu who’s frozen in place, blood running cold. Faint sounds of what must be tea cups clinking on the table confirm the first step to an unwanted speculation in his head. Slowly, he rises to his feet, rounding the corner only to see Osamu and to his utter surprise, _their Okaasan._ They’d obviously been talking for a while, but Atsumu’s hunch was right.

Even from this distance, their Okaasan hasn’t changed a bit; same length of dark hair which mostly resembled Osamu’s before he dyed it yet the same shade of brown eyes exactly as Atsumu’s. 

The walking blueprint for the Miya Twins. 

“Tsumu…” she says warmly. 

Her voice...it _unthaws_ Atsumu as he suddenly feels the weight of the entire house collapse onto his shoulders. Like he’s in a daze, Atsumu is already in the hallway, heading into their old room when Osamu is hot on his tail, chasing after him. 

Already on the ground next to his bag, Atsumu is pulling all his clothes together, stuffing them in carelessly. 

“Don’t start this Atsumu,” Osamu pleads with him while his brother furiously yanks a t-shirt from the bed as if it’s about to disappear. 

“Didn’t start nothin,” he huffs.

Now he’s winding the charger cord to his phone, chucking it in only to unspool again. He takes his wallet out, shoving it into his pocket. Atsumu doesn't care if he hasn’t gotten everything he needs or if he forgets something. It’s not the be all and end all of his problems. 

His mind is strictly set on getting out of the house. 

Zipping up his bag, Atsumu stands up and slides the band over his shoulder, storming out of the room when Osamu latches tight onto his arm.

“Atsumu, don't leave here angry, please.”

He snatches himself back viciously, “I’m not angry. I’m fuckin’ _floored_ . Ya think some stupid reunion is jus’ gonna fuckin’ _fix_ everything?!”

Osamu’s throat tightens and his chest pinches. He knows he’s struck more than one nerve in his brother when he sounds like he’s about to cry. 

“Then stop dragging this on! How many years more is it gonna take fer you to jus’ accept what happened!?” Osamu argues back. “Ya can’t jus’ live in the past!” 

Atsumu cannot _believe_ the nonsense coming out of his brother’s mouth and scoffs, “call me when you’ve come to yer _fuckin’_ senses Osamu.” 

_“Atsumu!”_

The front door to the house slams and Atsumu is gone after he scoops up his shoes and chucks them on outside. He doesn’t recall his Okaasan’s expression all too well when he left, although he thinks he saw her crying. 

He’s not sure. He doesn’t care. 

On his walk to the train station, Atsumu had the chance to clear his head, but it doesn't work. Sleep might be the only viable remedy at this point to temporarily put him out of his misery of all that’s unfolded. 

He soon then realised that he’s probably going to have to turn his phone off as well, or at _least_ put Osamu on mute given how many times he’s trying to ring him. In the end, his brother resorted to texting since he couldn’t get through. 

**_From Samu:_ ** _Tsumu, call or text me when you get this please_

 _As if._ Atsumu clicks his tongue, snatching the ticket from the kiosk and storming on his way down the platform a bit. He stops at the only souvenir shop to grab some snacks for the journey out of the countryside. 

It’s the only train for the day so Atsumu counts his lucky stars otherwise, he would’ve called round to Kita’s, asking if he could stay with him until his Okaasan had left. _Whenever that was,_ but it’s not the first time Atsumu has had to lean on his old captain for support. 

Kita is the only one who understands Atsumu’s position more than Osamu does. He never judges him for it nor questions the integrity of his motives for leaving. Atsumu needs Kita right now who would do anything at the drop of a fly for him, not out of pity but out of his loyalty as a friend. 

There’s also Hinata, then again...the circumstances between them, in Atsumu’s opinion, are grim. Not to mention he’s hours away.

Twenty minutes later, he’s seated on the train, head lolling back to rest, staring at the ceiling of the carriage. He wants to cry so bad right now, eyes beginning to prickle with tears just thinking about it - about everything that unraveled since their break began. 

In the past, Atsumu has reacted in ways that were worse than what it is now. It was messier, out of control and would be in hysterics until his grandparents showed up at the house to haul him and Osamu away. 

Getting them away from the noise, the destruction. He wishes they were still around to do that now. 

When their grandparents weren’t there and things got worse, Atsumu would pull his brother by the sleeve, into the closet to hide. It was better than under the bed because they could still hear the arguing. The only thing protecting them were the walls and door. 

Atsumu recalls at one point when they were seven - Osamu was at his wits end with their parents fighting and despite Atsumu pleading him not to interfere, he went ahead and did it anyway. 

And Atsumu watched his brother suffer the consequences at the hands of someone he’d now consider immoral. He doesn’t care how many times she apologises, Atsumu can never erase that hurt even if he tried. Osamu on the other hand has come to terms with it and Atsumu can’t understand why. He thinks that maybe he gained some sort of closure with being able to forgive their Okaasan. 

Atsumu rejects the concept of forgiveness entirely. What does that say about him when he looks at someone who was supposed to nurture him, without his blood boiling. When he looks at someone and the first thing that pops into his brain are the memories so painful that Atsumu can barely talk about it. 

Now he can separate himself from whatever the situation is with his Okaasan simply by leaving the _second_ he feels even remotely uncomfortable. He knows he has every right to do so as well. However, he doesn’t hate his brother for inviting her. 

There’s a twinge of guilt in knowing that Osamu is trying to stitch their family back together even though it’s broken beyond repair. Atsumu doesn’t know if he can ever reconcile with his Okaasan but he can with Osamu, because he’s all he has left, especially now more than ever. 

He too faces the repercussions of what they suffered but deals with it head on more than Atsumu does. Even though Osamu invited their Okaasan discreetly and without informing his brother, Atsumu can never hate him. 

The train softly jolts forward and Atsumu feels warm tears running down his cheeks. He wonders how long he had been lost in thought for that he ended up subconsciously crying. Nobody else is on the carriage, but even in case, he wipes his face with the back of his sleeve and turns to face the window. 

Despite all his efforts, Atsumu continues to cry. 

Atsumu hasn’t felt so miserable in such a long time and the feeling of relief coming back to an empty apartment puts his melancholy on hold. _So much for staying in Hyogo._

He's drained, exhausted and emotionally stressed. He chucks his shoes off, heading into his room to throw his bag on the bed before collapsing right next to it. Out of habit, Atsumu checks the time on his phone, stomach dropping when he sees a shit tonne of missed calls from Osamu _and Hinata._

“Fuck sake.”

Could his day have gotten any worse? Apparently not now that Hinata’s most likely on his case too. _Damn Osamu._ He hates the fact that back in their second year, his brother also raced to get Hinata’s phone number after their final game. How he still has it is beyond Atsumu’s comprehension but Osamu has clearly put it to use. 

**_From Shoyo:_ ** _Call me please x_

 _Like that’s going to happen._ Atsumu isn’t in the mood to talk, and besides, it’s not that big of a deal anymore. At least that’s what he thinks for now. 

He’s back in the apartment where he can breathe and with nobody else around to pester him and that’s all that matters currently. To save Hinata any worry that he might be feeling, Atsumu sends him a text instead. 

**_To Shoyo:_ ** _Sorry Shoyo-kun, can’t at the moment. I’m tired as hell and I need to sleep._

Does it count as a lie if he doesn’t actually feel tired? It ends up on his list anyway _._

 **_From Shoyo:_ ** _Understood. But please call me when you’re free to talk x_

No, he doesn’t think he will call him when he’s free to talk. Atsumu groans when he puts his phone down while his hands come up to shield his face. 

_What a fucking day. What a fucking week._

For the past few days, Atsumu has completely dropped off the grid. The last time he spoke to his brother was when he left Hyogo. As for Hinata, well...he never got back to him either nor has he responded to the teams group chat. He’s been avoiding looking at his phone but once found himself scrolling through everyone's holiday posts on Instagrams.

Meian was spending time with his partner in Kanagawa, Inunaki with his family in Tokyo, Barnes and Thomas are back overseas, _Bokkun is with Akaashi._ Hell, even Kageyama, who _barely_ posts, uploaded a photo of Karasuno’s get together dinner from the other day. Of course Hinata was in it, smiling from ear to ear. 

Atsumu finds out what Sakusa’s been getting up to through Komori’s Instagram which is an embarrassing spam of photos of their family dinner. Sakusa looks like he’d rather hold hands with someone than sit next to his relatives. 

Whatever, Atsumu is just going to stick to his cooking shows, get over his stupid feelings and pretend as if he never went to Hyogo in the first place. 

However, three shows deep into his Netflix spiral and he hears a set of keys rattling at the door. Atsumu’s heart starts beating through his chest and he jumps from the couch like he just got caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

“Tsumu!” 

_It's his clone._

Atsumu sighs out a great deal of relief that it’s just his brother, but also-

“Spotless as usual,” _Suna’s voice follows,_ making Atsumu ten times more confused. “Maybe I should ask Sakusa to come clean my apartment one day.”

Atsumu emerges from his room, “what the hell is this?” 

Osamu dumps some grocery bags he carried in onto the bench, “yer not spendin’ the holiday alone!”

_For fuck sake._

Atsumu glares, “m’not in the mood to celebrate. An’ I’m takin’ away yer spare key privileges.” 

Osamu ruffles Atsumu’s hair so that it’s sticking up in places where he doesn’t want it, “yer gonna hafta kill me an’ drag my body outta this apartment to get me to leave.” 

“Don’t gimme me any ideas,” Atsumu hissed.

Suna joins in, “so is bribing you with tuna going to cheer you up or no?” 

_Maybe_ his interest piqued just a _teeny_ tiny bit. Suna is flashing Atsumu the packaged raw tuna in the air, like he’s trying to taunt a stubborn cat. Then Atsumu realises how stupid this must all look. He feels like he’s being pitied on which is incidentally how it is. Suna and Osamu have gone out of their way to come from Hyogo bearing food and with the intention of not letting Atsumu spend the holiday by himself.

Just thinking about it makes him wish that he _was_ spending it alone even more. He would’ve had a chill day, do a light workout, watch movies, and eat some of his favourite foods. 

He might actually get that chance when the other two leave. Unfortunately he’s stuck chopping vegetables next to his brother in the kitchen. Standing this close to him now, Osamu might be having second thoughts about letting Atsumu handle a knife after going behind his back. 

“Oi,” Osamu elbows him in the arm. “M’sorry bout the other day. I should’ve told ya at least that Okaasan was comin’ over.” 

Atsumu groans, “ya didn’t jus' _not_ tell me that she was comin’ over, _you asked her to didn’t you?”_

“Yes,” Osamu replies sincerely. “I won’t do it again, but I had ta let ya know that I’m sorry.” 

“Hmm,” Atsumu hums, focusing on not slicing off his fingers as he’s chopping the potatoes. “Why’d ya do it anyway?”

“I spoke with her on the phone a couple’a days before she came over. She sounded really guilty an’ I thought she might’a been sincere,” he explains.

Sincere? Atsumu doesn’t think their Okaasan knows what that word means. How can someone be utterly apologetic for planting traumatic memories in their children’s heads? Even if it were just a so-called mistake, those memories still stay. 

Atsumu is almost cutting through the chopping board, “sure.”

 _“But_ I realised that s’not up’ta _her_ to decide whether or not she deserves closure coz’ I _know_ she’s lookin’ fer it, but it’s _you_ who decides on that since well...you were hurt too,” Osamu doesn’t need to go into detail about it, both of them already know.

“Still dunno why ya talk to her,” Atsumu partially ignores what Osamu just said. 

“Coz I chose to,” Osamu, kneading the dough for the dumplings with his palm. “Ya know by now that m’not the type to hold a grudge or despise someone.”

“No yer not so don’t ever think again that I’m like ya in that way.”

That’s true. Osamu doesn’t necessarily forget that his brother isn’t the forgiving type, but Atsumu just reinforced that trait. On top of that, Atsumu won’t ever look at someone the same way again if they do something to him that he hates. 

Osamu starts to wonder if that’s what he’s doing right now to him or at least _might_ do. He genuinely does feel bad for inviting their Okaasan without telling him. But, it’s behind them now and Osamu didn’t want Atsumu to be alone for the holiday season. He is annoying and stubborn, but heaven forbid that Osamu was going to let his annoying twin be all sad and lonely.

All three of them cooked, drank and ate until there was nothing left. Atsumu feels that food coma sneak up when they’re done and dusted with the dishes and clean up. And by late afternoon, Suna and Osamu are ready to head back to Hyogo for the New Year - _another annoying holiday that Atsumu selectively won’t partake in._

He locks the door as they leave, the warm satisfaction from eating good food fills his body and he can hear that couch calling. But oddly and expectantly, Atsumu feels empty and hurt.

Osamu was right, feelings aren’t going to go away as fast as Atsumu would like them too. He just wants to get over it, move on and forget that it ever happened. These past twelve days have been hell for him. It’s been nothing but a shit show of emotions and soon he’ll have to put it behind him when the season continues. 

On Sunday, Sakusa will be back followed by Hinata’s return on Monday. Atsumu can’t even imagine what that’s going to be like. He wants to save them both the awkwardness for the sake of their friendship and team by stuffing away his feelings. How and if that’s even going to work, he has no idea but it seems like the only option. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I wonder who owns the San Juan shirt ;) Anyways, hurt my own feelings writing this. In the next chapter we will see some sort of resolve possibly - I don't want to give too much away but there will be some answers to what I've left open in this part. Also, thank you to all who have read, commented, gave kudos, bookmarked etc. so far, it really means a lot to me!! xoxo
> 
> H.


End file.
